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Emerging_thoughts
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Name: julieanne
Gender: Female
Interests: swimming,riding carts at winco,taking road trips to nowhere,water polo, football games, swimmer's tans, team get togethers,best friends,pictures,singing,cello,andrew mcmahon,ytot,& last but NEVER least, God :]
Occupation: Ninja
Message: message me
AIM:  julieeROFL
Member Since:
3/22/2007
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| My walk with Jesus has become so stagnant lately that I needed to remind myself of who I used to be.
I've been so annoyed with myself. knowing what to do and not doing it. and here it is, 2:01 in the morning...
and the song "cielo" by phil wickham comes on.
and immediatly I just st arted to cry.
the image of heaven just brought me back down to where I needed to be:
on my knees.
I'm not afraid to say that I can not control my life.
It is not because I'm too young, it's because I was made by The Father, who knows my perfect plan, and if I'm not on that plan, the road is empty.
the road is easy and blank.
The road to life is difficult and long. But it's beautiful, gaithful and it leads to such wonderous things my brain goes numb.
I used to not be able to look in the mirror. I used to blame myself for every single horriffic, unexplainable thing in my life which I had suppressed, and take it out through cutting myself.
I harmed my body for over a year and a half.
I started to plan out how I would kill myself for a few months in my sophomore year.
ON that night, I decided to work up the courage to do it. Before I ended my life, I cried out to God & I asked him for help. So desperate for something. So desperate.
& sure enough, Jesus spoke to me. He spoke to me. The King of Kings, Prince of Peace, One who is & is to come...he spoke to me so clear that either it was 100% true or I'm insane & I need to go to a hospital.
But I'm not insane. Jesus told me to stop. He told me ha loved me more than I could even imagine, he has a plan for me, and he knows I am beautiful because he made me.
From there on in, my life has been radically changed.
I am living my life for Jesus. He is the author of my destiny.
I'm not a Christ follower because I simply want a "get-out-of-hell free" card.
I WANT JESUS. I WANT MORE OF HIM. I WANT TO LIVE IN ETERNAL GLORY AND JOY WITH HIM. I WANT HIM TO USE ME AS HIS VESSEL TO CHANGE THIS WORLD OF HIS CHILDREN.
I guess the moral of this story is that when you are in a place of true desperation for God...he appears.
be in a constant state of desperation for Jesus. constant word, constant prayer, consistency is key.
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| "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires." | | |
| So, I've come to this beautiful point in my life when I'm just in "let's GO" mode.
Jesus is just pushing me and I'm glad. If he were not there to push me, I'd go nowhere.
I feel like staying up all night talking to him.
singing, smiling, crying....
worship.
it's a lifestyle ;)
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| you know what just amazes me?
how no matter what, even when i mess up constantly, God just takes me back. every freakin time.
& he gave me this whole new perspective.
I was asking him how he can still take me back; this insufficient girl? the one who just keeps on messing up and even though she hears what your saying but goes through with stupid things anyway?
& he took me back to the moment when he intervened. I never really understood it like this.
If I had gone through with committing suicide, I would gone to hell. FOR ETERNITY.
& it's for sure. I have no doubts...
but you know what God told me tonight?
" I wanted you."
it's as simple as that.....
& this whole new world of things appeared like, well.. he STILL wants me.
me? really?
Even though I've been saved for idk, 2 1/2 years maybe 3 now I'm still being constantly taken back to the most amazing moment in my life, and it keeps getting MORE AMAZING.
seriously. this blog isn't eve an adequate representation of how i'm feeling. I'm.......speechless.
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| I wish tattoos went away after 5 years. i don't want to be old and wrinkly with a really wrinkly "all consuming fire" on my forearm. although, it wouldn't look bad it wouldn't look as inspiring.
anyway.
I just drew all over my arm with words. I love it. :)
he feels like a lost cause. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I should trust him. I don't think I should. I want him to accept Jesus. Words can't even explain.....
"why don't you come right out and say it. even if the words are probably gonna hurt, I'd rather know the truth than something insincere."
here's the truth:
I love him. So much that it hurts. I've never stopped loving him; but my love has been different the past 6 or 7 months. My love isn't the kind that is upset over not being with him, it's hurt and anger and pain that he feels these feelings and that he's lying to himself and me. I seriously want him to find true, eternal joy. I just want him to stop hurting. I love him. I LOVE him.
okay, it's out.
I hate writing things so melo dramatic.
I'm going to go write a song.
I love you, Jesus.
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